So today, I went to my Physics teacher’s classroom to turn in some work that I didn’t turn in on time.
One of my best friends was there to talk to him and try to explain the reason why she couldn’t do all the work. He just shut her down before she could explain her condition. He said something along the lines of “If you had such a condition, why didn’t you talk to me earlier instead of guilting me into giving you a better grade at the end of semester?”
It pisses me off because:
- Because he told her that she wasn’t communicating well with her lab group. When they were isolating her and overall just ignoring her when she’s so brilliant.
- Giving her a bad citizenship grade because she has to sleep in class due to her condition. After 3-4 hrs, she can barely stay awake + she stays up late to do so many assignments. But no he assumes she’s being lazy and staying up to watch shows/ play games.
I have depression and some days I can barely drag myself out of bed. I persevere and try to make it to my classes. Some days I have insomnia and sleep for 2-3 hrs a night, some days I sleep for 16-18 hours a day and still be tired. Some times I sleep in class because of my lack of energy. I feel like my emotions are a dark hole of sadness and I can’t get out of it. If it looks like I’m disinterested, not concentrating it’s my depression rearing its ugly head.
I have contemplated self harming and how the world would be better without me. But then I think about my loved ones, how would they feel if their friend/daughter/niece left them so young.
I put on this front that everything is okay. I’m smiley and cheerful and try to make it seem like I’m okay, but on the inside it’s like a tornado ripping through my emotions. I’m tired of hiding my depression because I’ve been hiding this since I was 11. I’m tired of depression being stigmatized and having to act ashamed of being like this.
Reflecting back on what my friend experienced, if I told him what was going on in my life, he would probably tell me to go to a shrink or take some anti-depressants or do something. Seriously?
Psychologists are expensive, they cost hundreds of dollars for one session. Who would pay for it? MY parents? We are barely scraping through since I’m about to go off to college. My insurance? Knowing my insurance, they would refer me to the worst shrinks.
Anti-depressants are mad expensive. Also all the terrible side effects that come with it aren’t even worth it. Most of them cause low energy and that’s what I’m dealing with on a daily basis.
As a first generation Asian-American woman, I have to pretend that my depression doesn’t exist. I have to achieve the American dream success story that everyone wants. From birth, it was drilled into my head that I must be perfect,to get 4.0s, to be a leader, to be the perfect little drone hat would eventually become a doctor or an accountant, to go to a good college and get a good job. Then get married to a boy, to pop out two or three adorable little kids and be a stay at home mom. It makes it so hard for me to accept my flaws, that I won’t be this person with the size 2 body and 4. something GPAs. Well guess what?
I’m none of those things. I have a bright future ahead of me and I will defy every single one of those expectations.I’m embracing myself for who I am and not the expectations put on me. I’m embracing what society deems “flaws” and loving myself for who I am. I am going to pursue what I love.
~Thanks Cara for giving me this insight and giving me the courage to come out and say what I’ve been wanting to say for so long.