Hey so I’m now in College. Finally studying what I want to study which is CS. I’m learning Java and it’s been fun. I miss San Francisco though since where I’m at, there’s no good Asian food. I’m rooming with my best friend which is so nice since we get along like sisters. ❤
So I talked to him last Fri 12/18 about all the missing assignments (that he graded and gave me zeros for) and he filled it in so I got a C for semester grade after final. He went like “You’re so smart, why are you getting such a bad grade in my class?”
I didn’t say anything about how my depression had gotten worse because I don’t want a teacher that knows me pretty well to see me as unstable. I just told him that my relatives from China were here for a month so I couldn’t study.
Today, I got my report card and it said I got a D. What the heck? He told me that I would get a C as my semester grade. He just burst a ton of my dreams, to go to a top ranked school for computer science. That grade will probably withdraw my applications to the 14 schools I applied to. That there is about $700 worth of app fees + ACT fees.
So today, I went to my Physics teacher’s classroom to turn in some work that I didn’t turn in on time.
One of my best friends was there to talk to him and try to explain the reason why she couldn’t do all the work. He just shut her down before she could explain her condition. He said something along the lines of “If you had such a condition, why didn’t you talk to me earlier instead of guilting me into giving you a better grade at the end of semester?”
It pisses me off because:
- Because he told her that she wasn’t communicating well with her lab group. When they were isolating her and overall just ignoring her when she’s so brilliant.
- Giving her a bad citizenship grade because she has to sleep in class due to her condition. After 3-4 hrs, she can barely stay awake + she stays up late to do so many assignments. But no he assumes she’s being lazy and staying up to watch shows/ play games.
I have depression and some days I can barely drag myself out of bed. I persevere and try to make it to my classes. Some days I have insomnia and sleep for 2-3 hrs a night, some days I sleep for 16-18 hours a day and still be tired. Some times I sleep in class because of my lack of energy. I feel like my emotions are a dark hole of sadness and I can’t get out of it. If it looks like I’m disinterested, not concentrating it’s my depression rearing its ugly head.
I have contemplated self harming and how the world would be better without me. But then I think about my loved ones, how would they feel if their friend/daughter/niece left them so young.
I put on this front that everything is okay. I’m smiley and cheerful and try to make it seem like I’m okay, but on the inside it’s like a tornado ripping through my emotions. I’m tired of hiding my depression because I’ve been hiding this since I was 11. I’m tired of depression being stigmatized and having to act ashamed of being like this.
Reflecting back on what my friend experienced, if I told him what was going on in my life, he would probably tell me to go to a shrink or take some anti-depressants or do something. Seriously?
Psychologists are expensive, they cost hundreds of dollars for one session. Who would pay for it? MY parents? We are barely scraping through since I’m about to go off to college. My insurance? Knowing my insurance, they would refer me to the worst shrinks.
Anti-depressants are mad expensive. Also all the terrible side effects that come with it aren’t even worth it. Most of them cause low energy and that’s what I’m dealing with on a daily basis.
As a first generation Asian-American woman, I have to pretend that my depression doesn’t exist. I have to achieve the American dream success story that everyone wants. From birth, it was drilled into my head that I must be perfect,to get 4.0s, to be a leader, to be the perfect little drone hat would eventually become a doctor or an accountant, to go to a good college and get a good job. Then get married to a boy, to pop out two or three adorable little kids and be a stay at home mom. It makes it so hard for me to accept my flaws, that I won’t be this person with the size 2 body and 4. something GPAs. Well guess what?
I’m none of those things. I have a bright future ahead of me and I will defy every single one of those expectations.I’m embracing myself for who I am and not the expectations put on me. I’m embracing what society deems “flaws” and loving myself for who I am. I am going to pursue what I love.
~Thanks Cara for giving me this insight and giving me the courage to come out and say what I’ve been wanting to say for so long.
I haven’t been updating as much as I want to. School has been swamping my life. Finals start tomorrow. I’m writing a 3 page essay and I’m exhausted as hell.
I had a lot of pictures on my old dead laptop so I’m so sad that I can’t post them. I got a new laptop and it’s so gorgeous! I really can’t believe that I have 6 months to go before i’m officially a high school graduate.
Sorry if this is just me rambling on, but I’m exhausted and stressed out and my plate is so full right now that I can’t think properly.
I know I haven’t been posting much this past 6 months. I plan to because SUMMER is coming up and I’m super excited! I have city college classes.
AP tests are done after I took mine (AP Calc AB and APUSH) they were just horrible. More exams to go and I’m done with Jr. Year.
Just saw the set pics from Captain America: Civil War and I’m massively fangirling. Excited for Bucky to be back. I’m happy that the Russo brothers are directing this movie. I honestly can’t wait for it to come out. Also the Deadpool movie looks so amazing! I’m planning on watching it once they come out with my little cousins BenBen and Joshie.
I got really bored with blogging because I literally had no inspiration to write. I have tons pictures that I will post soon.
Edit I know this is so late, but here’s a post.
Life has been crazy for me. I have a lot of schoolwork to do, and a complicated personal life. In the past months that I’ve been gone, I had been deciding between if I should continue blogging or if I should just quit and delete this blog. I decided to continue blogging because I love writing. I’m still in the process of revamping the theme because it just feels more amazing to have a more personalized layout.
It’s seriously insane to see this blog go from 0 followers to approximately 670 in 2 years. I’m grateful to all my readers that you have taken the time to scroll through my blog and read my ramblings about life.
I’m so sorry that I post like once every 2 months, but during the summer, I will have more time to blog. Life happens. I will try to post on February 20th (after Chinese New Year).
I was tagged by bubzbeauty.
TAG Tag questions
1: What are you wearing? A cashmere sweater and jeans
2: Ever been in love? no
3: Ever had a terrible breakup? no
4: How tall are you? 5’4″ or 163cm
5: How much do you weigh? 120 lbs
6: Any tattoos? no
7: Any piercings? no
8: OTP? Olicity from Arrow or Barry Allen and Caitlyn Snow from The Flash.
9: Favorite show? Too many to count, Arrow, Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., The Flash, NCIS: LA, Doctor Who, Grimm, and White Collar
10: Favorite bands? The Darcys, Born Ruffians
11: Something you miss? no homework
12: Favorite song? I really like Rage Flows by Born Ruffians, but I also like Silhouette by Avicii.
13: How old are you? 16 years young, 17 in 4 months.
14: Zodiac sign? Pisces
15: Quality you look for in a partner? intelligence.
16: Favorite Quote? “I have a sense of destiny that you are led to the things you are supposed to do.” – Robert Downey Jr.
17: Favorite actor? Matt Bomer, the Hemsworth brothers, Stephen Amell, Grant Gustin, Chris Evans, Robert Downey Jr, Ian Somerhalder, Brett Dalton, Godfrey Gao, Daniel Dae Kim, David Tennant, Benedict Cumberbatch, John Barrowman and John Cho. I have too many lol.
18: Favorite color? blue, purple, pink
19: Loud music or soft? soft.
20: Where do you go when you’re sad? my room
21: How long does it take you to shower? 10 minutes.
22: How long does it take you to get ready in the morning? 20 minutes
23: Ever been in a physical fight? no
24: Turn on? idk
25: Turn off? idk
26: The reason I joined YouTube? subscribe to my favorite YTers
27: Fears? heights, spiders, and walking home at night.
28: Last thing that made you cry? Arrow because the Canary died.
29: Last time you said you loved someone? don’t remember
30: Meaning behind your YouTube Name? my blog name.
31: Last book you read? My APUSH textbook
32: The book you’re currently reading? Echoes by Michelle Rowen
33: Last show you watched? The Flash
34: Last person you talked to? My mom.
35: The relationship between you and the person you last texted? The last person I texted was Lucy, and we are best friends.
36: Favorite food? sushi, bubble tea and zongzi (made by grandma)
37: Place you want to visit? Europe
38: Last place you were? at yumcha with family
39: Do you have a crush? Godfrey Gao
40: Last time you kissed someone? don’t remember
41: Last time you were insulted? yesterday
42: Favorite flavor of sweet? I really love chocolate.
43: What instruments do you play?? I used to sing and play the violin.
44: Favorite piece of jewelry? jade tiger necklace that I haven’t worn since Chinese New Year.
45: Last sport you played? Tennis
46: Last song you sang? Rage Flows by Born Ruffians
47: Favorite chat up line? I don’t have one
48: Have you ever used it? no
49: Last time you hung out with anyone? last Thursday with Lucy.
50: Who should answer these questions next? Lucy and Solita~Chained Freedom.
Today I lost a friend, not through death, but for no reason. I feel so betrayed and confused, what I do wrong? I was there when you had heartbreak from your first boyfriend. I was there when you told me you were pansexual and I didn’t care because you were my friend. You were there when I was depressed. I didn’t judge you when you dyed your hair to that ugly shade of burnt ass orange, so why were so judgmental about me supporting equality for all?
Remember our group of friends and you cut them off just like that? Some of them were your elementary school friends, the ones who had been friends with you since childhood. Why would you ruin four plus years of friendship for no reason? Was it because you found ‘better’ friends and you got popular? Or was it because you’re sixteen and dating an eighteen year old college boy and that you became snotty?
Goodbye to our friendship and have a happy life with the loneliness inside of you.
Hey, sorry I haven’t been on for over a month! I had ACT Prep at Think Tank Learning for a month. On Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday, I go to this program called Oasis for Girls, and I learn about career pathways and what to do for interviews!
I watched TFIOS on 6/14/14 with my friends from middle school Lucy, Bella, and Alina.
The movie was awesome but sad. I forgot to bring tissues, so I was pretty much crying through the entire movie. I love this movie, ever since I read the book in 2013!!! (Click here to read my book review). I generally love John Green books, so I’m very psyched for Paper Towns, the movie, that comes out next year.
Things that have happened to me in the 2 months that I was gone:
- My parents got a new car a Toyota Corolla.
- I scored a 29 on my practice ACT.
- I read my required summer reading books and started on my APUSH work.
Tomorrow I have a dental appointment at UCSF and I’m kind of scared because they have to pull out 2 baby teeth. So weird, I’m 16 and still haven’t lost my baby teeth lol.